By Iyanla Vanzant + Anaqah Mag⎥Photo : Anaqah Mag
Last week a reader asked me "what is a healthy relationship according to you?" I realised that many people do not know what it means, what it implies, and the importance of having a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is not difficult to achieve or live, it is your definition of a healthy relationship that counts and will make the difference. For the purposes of this article, we will deal here with all relationships whether love, family or friendship. Let's begin to address the important elements of a healthy relationship.
ONE YOU WANT TO BE IN
First of all it is important that you want to be in this relationship, it is your wish, your choice. You are not in this relationship by obligation, fear, habit or sense of responsibility. A relationship that is healthy is a relationship you want and want to have and be part because it is good for you and the other person involved, which brings us to the second point.
ONE YOU FEEL AFFIRMED,
SUPPORT & ENCOURAGE
A healthy relationship encourages you to be the best version of yourself. This means that you can be yourself, your authentic self with the person your are with. Your qualities / strengths are recognized, so are your weaknesses that are accepted and not criticised while encouraging you to defeat them. Your talents, what you like to do are encouraged and your voice, visions and needs are heard and considered. In a healthy relationship you have the opportunity to be yourself, with your evolution, your way of growing up without having to pressure to have to become like what the other wants you to be, to be comfortable with them .
Practice, faith, love, trust, honesty, respect, compassion, forgiveness, compromise, shared vision, shared interests and the urge to practice all these principles, do your utmost to live with these principles and practice daily . Increase your practice together. In other words, a healthy relationship exists thanks to a base that is also healthy. We do not build a relationship on lies, a lack of respect, where we do not forgive anything, where we do not trust the other, where there is a lack of communication, where you simply do not have the same goal of life (jannah). It does not mean that you will always agree on everything and that you will have the same opinion about everything. It means that when things become difficult and complicated, the practice of religion ie, love, trust, honesty, respect, trust, compassion etc. get the upper hand while having the right to see things in your own way.
KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP
ALIVE & EXCITING
In a healthy relationship you are ready to love, you like to look for this way to keep your love alive and to grow that love without hoping for something in return. You do your best to keep this energy between you, you are careful what the person likes and their needs. This is important because with time, your efforts may not bring the same excitement or sense of accomplishment. It's a habit that we all have, after a certain time we get used to a relationship and take them for granted. But in a healthy relationship you keep looking for a way to rekindle that flame, that connection, that energy that brings you together. This applies to your mother, your sister, your father, your brother, your husband, your children: the people you love.
A healthy relationship is also a relationship where you are willing to provide the necessary work and work hard for it. It requires a lot of work nevertheless when you want to be in this relationship, when you are passionate, it will not even seem like work or effort. A relationship is a living thing. It must be fed and taken care of. To keep a healthy relationship you can not just sit back and let time pass. You have to take initiatives to create happy memories all the time. Even if you think one thing is silly just have fun.
Now that we have the elements, this list can not be complete without the means
to activate what is needed for a healthy relationship.
TALK ABOUT YOURSELF
Talk about yourself as you change day after day. Talk about how you change, what you want, what you like. Talk about your strengths, your weaknesses, your fears. Talk about what you see, what you know and be as honest as possible. And listen as much as you speak. Listen with your ears, your heart, listen with your soul. Be ready / open to always discover something new from the other person and never use what you hear as a weapon against them.
BE PRESENT & ATTENTIVE
If you want your relationship to be healthy and stay healthy, you have to be part of it, mentally, emotionally,
physically and spiritually ! Be able to not let what is outside, your responsibilities, your work etc. to occupy your mind and your soul and put you outside of your relationship. If your time and energy are taken and sucked elsewhere: communicate! This way the other person will be aware and open to this situation even if they do not like it or do not understand it. At least this person will know that you are always present. If you want to have a healthy relationship, please do your best to have a good time together. Be ready and open to have fun, love, look forward to being with this person and spend time with each other. Take time for them because you want it, not because you feel you need to do it. It is so easy to forget or take someone for granted because of our everyday problems, work, children, fears, bills etc. that you forget. This is very important and really determines whether a relationship is healthy or not.
Support each other, be a part of each other. In a healthy relationship everyone must support and help each other. Life is not always rosy. Sometimes you have incredibly happy experiences and other times you will have to push each other to go through difficult times together. Errors can happen. People and circumstances change. So learn to support yourself and stay together to support you when life becomes difficult. Remember as a Muslim that every struggle is a test. In a healthy relationship, a person will give his shoulder and leave his arms wide open rather than judge or say "I told you."
LOVE YOURSELF FIRST
One of the most important points to which I often talk about in Anaqah Magazine is that your relationship must be healthy first to have a healthy relationship with someone else. Know that the relationship you have with yourself will be reflected in people with whom you have relationships. Take time to enjoy yourself. Take the time to spend time with yourself, to take care of yourself simply. The majority of us like to let others pass, to take care of others by forgetting ourselves on the road. This sacrifice should not be made. You can and must do both. Even if it must be 5min a day very early in the morning, late at night before you go to bed or during your lunch break, take time for yourself. Do things you love and spend time with yourself.
If I were to summarize all this in one sentence I would say: A healthy relationship is a relationship where one treats the other as one would like to be treated. See the best in this person, when she does not see it for herself.
A healthy relationship is when you know it's time to make changes or do something to improve your relationship. And on this road you will sometimes discover that there is a time or circumstances where the healthiest and loving thing you can do for both of you is to get out.
This list of elements and behaviors to have is not complete and will not fill anything if you do not act. This is only a starting point that you should consider and apply إن شاء الله
Thank you for reading this article, Hopefully you could read one or more points that will help you create,
recreate or build a healthier and happy relationship. Do not hesitate to share it if it is, جزاك الله خيرا